A Powerful Poison: The Terrible Impacts of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is a serious threat to personal wellbeing, but professional support and treatment can help you understand, manage and eventually overcome its effects.

Shame is one of those feelings that buries itself deep into our psyches, an emotional wound that rarely completely heals. If we are lucky, we experience it only a few times, inflicted by the words of a bully, or even by ourselves as a reaction to a particularly egregious mistake. In a small dose, the poison of shame is something we can gradually recover from, even if we never completely forget it.

When shame is regularly doled out, particularly by those we rely on for support, it is incredibly toxic. It negatively affects our sense of self, our relationships with others, and the way we view the world. 

What is Toxic Shame? 

Shame is a powerful emotion involving a poor view of oneself and a sense of worthlessness. It usually occurs as a result of criticism that focuses on the integral nature of a person, such as someone’s character, intellect, appearance, or personality. It becomes toxic when it is repeated to the point that the person experiencing the shaming then internalises it.

Shaming often begins in childhood, and may be employed by a parent or other authority figure as a method to correct behaviour. Instead of using constructive language that focuses on a task or action, people who shame put the person at the center of what needs to be corrected, implying that the person themselves are somehow wrong or inadequate. 

It is the difference between saying, “The next time you clean your room, I need you to work on making sure everything is put away neatly,” and “Your room is always such a mess – you’re so lazy, it’s disgusting.” Over time, these comments can make you begin to believe that you’re not enough, or even that you are a bad person. 

Abusive personal relationships often feature shaming language or actions as a way to control and manipulate someone, tearing apart their self-worth and confidence in order to make them believe that the only person who would put up with them is their abuser. Shame can also come from neglect, as those who are repeatedly denied their physical or emotional needs may begin to believe that they do not deserve those things.

Regardless of where shame comes from, its impacts on a person’s emotional, mental and physical health are powerful and sobering. No one deserves to live with the burdens of shame.

Recognising Some Key Features of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame can be insidious, and potentially affect your mental health to the point where it is difficult to pinpoint it. Here are some common characteristics of toxic shame:

• The feelings of shame cut deeply and are long-lasting
• The shame also manifests in physical symptoms, like unexplained pain, stomach problems, or headaches
• The shame may be hidden in your subconscious, but come flooding back with certain triggers
• The shame is not only brought on by something external, but by your own thoughts
• You feel anxious about doing anything which may bring about shaming
• The shame results in a sense of inadequacy and feelings of depression and hopelessness
• The shame may be associated with images, beliefs or voices from childhood
• The shame creates a negative personal narrative in your head that is doubtful, critical, and insulting

Effects of Toxic Shame

Because toxic shame distorts our sense of self, the effects of it can be catastrophic to one’s personal goals, relationships and general outlook. There are several key ways that toxic shame can seriously impact your life.

Toxic Shame Isolates You

Just as we instinctively flinch and draw our hand back when we brush up against a hot stove, the pain of shame causes us to emotionally withdraw, turning inwards to try to tend to our wounds. When shame is regularly inflicted, it can cause a more permanent retreat away from others in an attempt to protect oneself from further emotional injury. Unfortunately, this avoidance may extend even to those who are loving and supportive as shame erodes the foundational element of trust.

Toxic Shame Seeps into Your Emotions

For some people, shame is accompanied by a powerful and righteous sense of outrage at the way they have been treated. However, this pent-up anger may be directed at people who are not responsible for the shaming, or at one’s own self, and can result in seemingly inexplicable emotional outbursts or self-destructive behaviour. 

Sadness, embarrassment, fear, and anxiety are other common emotional responses to toxic shame that can become all-encompassing, permanently casting a negative tone to most interactions and experiences.